


Why?

by marrllrn



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Adoption, Agender, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Bullying, Depression, Eating Disorder, Gay, M/M, Mentions of Death, Other, That’s it?, Theres a lot of shit in here sorry if there’s something I miss tell me and I’ll put it in, Transgender, maybe actually self harm idk, mentions of self harm, mute character (by choice)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-30
Updated: 2018-07-02
Packaged: 2019-04-14 21:26:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14144916
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marrllrn/pseuds/marrllrn
Summary: OH BOY STRAP YOURSELVES IN THIS IS GONNA BE A WILD RIDE I DONT KNOW HOW TO DESCRIBE THIS OTHER THAN I COULDNT FIND A FIC WHERE DAN AND PHIL ADOPTED A TRANSGENDER KID SO I FUCKING MADE ONE FIGHT MEOk I apologize please read my shit now thanks





	1. How?

**Author's Note:**

> This isn’t proof read at all and is probably really shit. Have fun!
> 
> I warned you in my last story  
> Don’t read that btw I cut it off I’m saving you from being mad at me

I’m woken up by a loud loud knock on my door and a lady screaming, “TYLER COUPLES ARE COMING TODAY!” Great. Another miserable day of rejection. I hesitantly get up. This isn’t the most comfortable bed but it’s a bed and I’ll take it. Better than living on the streets. So I finally get my lazy ass out of bed and put on a usual outfit. Black skinny jeans and whatever weird nerdy top I have laying around. I look around the youtuber and band covered room before finally settling my eyes on the mirror I have on my wall. The lump of brown curls cut into a fringe on my head doesn’t look too bad today and I decide I’m too lazy to do anything with it anyway. I take a moment to ready myself for the world. It takes a lot of energy to go outside this room honestly. After staring at my bracelet covered wrist for god knows how long as I often do. They aren’t there to hide anything though. It’s more of a protective thing. If I see my wrist I feel like something needs to be there and I almost do. That’s why I never take them off. I grab my coat. Of course I need it. This is England for God’s sake. But it’s really more of a safety blanket type thing to just constantly have it near me. Finally I decide to open the door to my room. Off into the hallway of the cruel orphanage I’ve called home for eight years. Miss isn’t bad really. She’s so sweet and cares about all of us. Eventually she gets through to everyone. Not me though. I don’t know if she’s given up but I don’t think so. I hope not. I walk down the stairs into the hell the kids call the living room. “Hey look. The fag’s come out to play,” I hear someone say from across the room. Probably Brandon. “Hey idiot look at me when I’m talking to you.” Definitely Brandon. I look up at him. He’s surrounded by his group of bad grades and bad decisions. The cool kids as most people say. “Oh good I thought you were finally going deaf. Or maybe just becoming stupid.” They aren’t even good insults. But I don’t say anything back. I never say anything back. I’m mute. A few couples walk into the orphanage. Good. Brandon and bad decisions are going to act like angels for a little while. I don’t catch the faces and I don’t look long enough to take in the details but I think I saw a gay couple walk in. Who knows. “Children time for line up!” The perky voice of Miss always seems to catch everyone’s attention. The kids already ate breakfast. Eh. It’s not like I need it. I don’t really deserve it to be honest. I went to line up and kept my head down. I’m always at the end of the line. That way couples usually pick a kid before they even notice me. The couples come by and I hear Brandon say something. “Ew get away from me you fags. You don’t deserve a kid.” Yeah definitely a gay couple. God I hate that kid. All the couples are out before they get to me. Except one. The gay couple. Don’t take that the wrong way. I’m pansexual myself. It’s just an easy way to keep track of them. I keep my head down as one of the men come to me. “What’s your name?” The voice asks. Wait a minute. I know that voice. Posh. Like. Like. My head gets lifted up by a hand. Like posh Winnie the Pooh. I am somehow being stared right in the eyes by Dan fucking Howell. Phil must be right behind him. I immediately look down not remembering anything that was just said to me. “Kid what’s your name?” He doesn’t sound annoyed at all. I wonder why. I hold up the tag I have. Easier than having someone else do it for me. It has my age my gender and my name. Tyler Noye. Age 13. Male. “Not a big talker huh?” I shake my head. “Phil come here. I like this one.” And now I have blue staring at me. Or is it green? Yellow maybe? Ah. Radioactive obviously. Wait. Dan said he liked me. No they don’t want me. Definitely not. “He looks like you Dan.” A touch of Northern and posh with the brilliance of a cockney almost accent. I never thought I would hear it in real life. “A bit yeah.” There’s the posh accent I’ve loved my whole life. “Hey Tyler,” God Phil’s voice is actual sunshine. “Would you like to come home with us?” I hesitate. Of fucking course I want to come home with DAN AND PHIL. But they deserve better. I slowly start to nod. Phil does his smile. I can see Dan’s dimples. They fast walk over to Miss. These boys run for no one. As soon as she gets the papers ready for them to go over and sign she comes over to me. “Start packing hun. Today’s the day. I think these two will be a good fit for you.” I’m running. I have to get to my room. A few more steps. “HEY FAG WHERE THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU’RE GOING?” God fucking damn it. One day Brandon. One day please. “The fags adopted a fag. Almost poetic. Don’t have an orgie with your new parents.” He does air quotes around “parents”. “Not like they’ll keep you for too like anyway.” Ok now I really have to go. I’m having to work through one anxiety attack with someone yelling at me trying to cause another. Kill. Me. Now. Deep breathes. As soon as I’m in my room I lose it. I’m bawling and hiccuping and I can barely breathe. “Hurry Tyler!” Oh the sweet sweet voice of Miss. It’s enough to bring me back. I start packing. My clothes first. Then my toothbrush and toothpaste. I start carefully pulling down the posters littering my walls. And finally the one thing the fire didn’t burn. My stuffed orange koala thing. Pookie. He has seen better days. As I’m zipping up the suitcase I hear a knock. Dan and Phil come in. God I am never going to get used to that. “Ready kid?” I don’t need to see the face to instantly know that Dan asked. God I need to stop. I look up and nod. “Off we go then.” This time it’s Phil. I pick up my school bag my suitcase and my other bag and start walking out. As I’m leaving I hear the voice of Brandon mutter, “He’ll be back. No one will ever want him.”


	2. Um

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just remember none of this story is actually edited so if I make a huge issue please tell me. I pride myself on my semi good writing so it shouldn’t be too bad but who knows

The cab ride home wasn’t all that bad. Dan and Phil kept asking me questions and I would shake or nod my head or write the answer in notes. “Who was that kid muttering earlier,” Dan questioned at one point. ‘Brandon’ I typed in the notes. “He seems like a real bitch,” He continues. “Language Dan.” The singsong voice of Phil Lester chimes in. I just nod. They don’t want to hear my opinion anyway. No one ever does. From there everyone was quiet. Once we got home I was shown around and then immediately bolted into my room. Dan’s old room. He sleeps with Phil now. I don’t bother doing anything. I don’t put up posters or hang up clothes or find the bathroom. They’re gonna want to get rid of me soon. Of course I wouldn’t blame them. Dan and Phil are DAN AND PHIL. I’m just some kid that’ll become a burden in a couple of days. I grab the two things that actually belong to me. Not just things Miss bought me because I needed them or to try and get me to trust her. I grab my headphones and my laptop. Neither are too well taken care of and I’m surprised that either still work. But they do. And that’s enough. I don’t know how I got here but now it’s almost midnight and I’m watching slime tutorials. I fucking love the internet. “Crap,” I heard Phil scream. “Dan we need to get some food. What’s open?” God they really do have thin walls. “There’s that 24/7 Chinese place down the road. Ask Tyler what he wants.” Shit. I can’t just say I’m not hungry. Can I? I’ve gotten really good at fake sleeping. Maybe Phil will believe that. I carefully close the laptop but keep it near me on the bed and take off my headphones. I get comfortable with the pillows basically on all sides of me and go limp. Deep even breathes. God I hope this works. Knock knock. “Tyler? Oh sorry. You’re asleep. I’ll just get you something in the morning.” The door closes and I hear Phil whisper, “He’s already asleep.” Dan snorts. An actual snort. What is this? “He probably has a decent sleep cycle.” He then retorts. Ha. No I don’t. School got out a few days ago for winter break and I’m already going to sleep at 3 am. The world is just more peaceful at night. Also I’m an owl. And a fish. But I don’t go swimming anymore. I hate my body too much to see it expect for the short shower every now and then. I miss it but there’s nothing I can do about it. I wait for Dan and Phil to go to sleep before I do. It takes them a few hours to eat and get tired. I’ve just been ready cute alpha/beta/omega phanfics. God there needs to be more of them. No it’s not weird that I’m reading phanfics with Dan and Phil in the other room. Definitely not. Once they do I decide I should probably also not be sleep deprived. I’ll probably wake up at like two in the afternoon anyway. This time I close my laptop I’m actually going to sleep. Keeping it close as always I manage to finally go to sleep. God those boys probably think I’m some mental case being held up in this room like this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so I did decide to go through it and I redid a couple of words cause it was the right word but that’s all I did so it’s still probably shit


	3. OH JESUS FUCK

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a lot of nopeing and a weird fucking plot stick with me

Everything hurts. Why does EVERYTHING hurt? Is that natural? I’m in pain. This sucks. I can feel my legs not wanting to work. What happened? Shit I gotta pee. Badly. Fuck. Ok it’s……. 1 in the afternoon. Shit Dan and Phil are probably awake. Fuck. Let’s find the bathroom. God I should have paid attention on the tour of the flat. Fuuuuuuck. I. Want. To. Die. After a lot of stumbling and falling and being in pain I finally make it to the bathroom and sit. Oh God. No no no no no no. Why here? Why today? God fuck. There’s blood all over my underwear. It shouldn’t be here for a while. My cycle is out of whack and I do NOT have it every month. I had it last month. Ugh. Girl box. The girl box. Oh my saving grace. The fucking girl box that Louise told us about. Now just to find it. Probably in that weird cover under the sink. I search for a sold minute somehow until. Bingo. A box of pads and tampons. Thank god. I try to put on a small pad and take a large maxi overnight whatever cause those are the only things that do shit. Advil. Where. Medicine cabinet. ADVIL THANK THE LORD. I’ll just use my laptop as a heating pad because fuck asking for one. I run back to my room. I mean run. I hope there isn’t blood on the sheets. I frantically search through the sheets. No blood. Oh thank God. But I should get out of this blood soaked underwear. Fucking hell. And why the hell did I go to sleep in SKINNY JEANS? THANK GOD I HAD HALF THE BRAIN TO TAKE OFF MY BINDER AND HIDE IT. Sweet Jesus what is my life? Alright not putting jeans back or shorts. God I hate shorts and it’s fucking COLD. That one pair of baggy sweatpants should work. I remove the clothing I am currently wearing and put on new underwear and the giant pad then the sweats and finally I maneuver into my binder and put on the shirt on the top of my bag. In the process somehow falling over. If it was a normal fall nothing would have happened. But no. I had to fall into the low side of dans piano and THEN the floor. Obviously. My life seems like a Goddamn fanfic sometimes. “Tyler? You ok?” Dan couldn’t you have just pretended to not hear anything. “I’m gonna come in!” I hear again through the door. How the fuck did Dan get here that fast? He opens the door and I’m on the floor flailing like an idiot with my shirt riding up a bit. I pray to God he doesn’t see anything. Just because I know they won’t want me doesn’t mean I’m not gonna try and stay with THE Dan and Phil for a while. I flash a smile with a quick thumbs up. I wince. A mix of cramps and the bruises I probably have every where. But of course he notices. “You sure you’re ok? I’ve done that fall before and it’s painful as hell. Lemme see if something’s bruised.” He comes forward. I panic. Deep breathes come one. Nope nope nope. Breathing is too hard. I’m flailing even more and shaking my head on the verge of tears. Too many things I’m trying to do. Get up. Get away from Dan. Not be in pain. Not let my shirt ride up. I think Dan gets the idea because he stops in his tracks. I start calming down a little bit. “Want something to eat?” I shake my head. No. I never want something to eat. “Oh ok. I’ll just go then.” Well now I just feel bad. Guilty. I wait until the door is closed to get up. Oh yup urethra is still trying to kill itself. Literally. I waddle over to my bed for the heat of my blankets and laptop. And though I’ve already seen them all for once in my life I can’t bare watching any of Dan or Phil’s videos or anything else to do with them. Not phanfiction not crack vids. Hell I’m having to watch people not even close to them and would never talk about them. This is gonna be a long day.


	4. Nope

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for not uploading for a long time there were like 3 birthdays and testing and I was just not in the writing mood so here’s a kind of long one have fun

Oh boy was I right. You know those conversations Dan and Phil have that they referenced but don’t actually tell the whole story? Like one of them will say something completely stupid and the other will be like yes I know exactly what’s happening. Well they have a lot of those. To many. It’s almost concerning. And through the thin walls you can hear every single one. I think I heard Phil crying because of a dog video at one point. This house. What the hell. Every time I heard them I was a little giddy. I mean DAN AND PHIL. I’M STILL PHANBOYING FIGHT ME. But then I get this like guilt or nervousness. I don’t know. I just know I don’t like it. Fuck. I just realized now I have to sneak out to get the testosterone shots. And hide them. Ah random thought that will keep you up for the rest of the night. I quickly glance at the clock. Jesus fuck its 2 in the morning. And why are Dan and Phil still talking? They probably don’t know either. Um. I guess I’ll just casually go to sleep. That actually wasn’t as long of a day as I thought it would be. Lovely. The rest of break went kind of like that. I’d get up at an inhuman time and waste away the day watching YouTube and reading fanfics. Or riverdale or the flash or whatever had been on the day before so I can FUCKING WATCH IT ON THE WEBSITE CAUSE FUCK TV AND YEAH. I didn’t leave the room except for having to go to the bathroom once or twice a day. And that one time Dan forced me to eat with them. Well it wasn’t really force. It was kinda like hey dude will you please eat something not eating isn’t healthy and I’m worried about you kid. And then he gave me that puppy dog face. You know the one. And I had to get up and eat. Suffering through the cramps and headache and such. Periods man. It was finally the dreaded day of Monday. I’m 99% sure I was out of the house before either of them were awake. Of course I left a note. I’m not cruel. I go to the same school as I did when I was at orphanage. The home and Dan and Phil’s flat aren’t that far apart. It’s good cause I still know the teachers and I don’t have to introduce myself and retell superiors that I’m not gonna talk and then have them try to send me to the counselor that cares more about her nails than a kid. But bad cause Brandon and his gang are still there. I walk to school. Just like old times. I still arrive and hour or so early so I can run to the library before one of the school bullies picks me off. I used to walk early so that I could avoid going with the other kids and actually get there on time. Now it’s just habit. Ah welcome to Juniper Secondary School. Or as I call it ACTUAL HELL ON EARTH. The teachers suck. I googled myself through the last however long I’ve been here. The kids are absolute cockshits. Like how the fuck does someone grow up that way? My parents died in a fire that burned everything I ever owned and loved when I was like six. I grew up in an orphanage with bullies that would physically and mentally hurt me every chance they got. So what’s their excuse? Anyway another day of reading. Percy Jackson and The Olympians. Book three; The Titan’s Curse. I’m actually a really fast reader and have only known about this series for a month or so I think. The one good person at my school is the librarian. He’s really nice. I’m the only kid that ever comes through here though. I guess I’m Mr Flores’ favorite. He’s really nice and whenever I’m done with a series he’ll recommend a new one and I’ll always love it. That’s how I got into Percy Jackson. Ok I got side tracked. Back to school. We have multiple periods per day. This year I have History then Science then math and then we have lunch and then English and PE and finally Art. In history we watch movies. In science we read articles that we have to answer questions on. In math we do worksheets and English is the same. In PE we just kind of roam free and what happens happens. In art we design sculptures and build them. I guess that’s a fun class. I didn’t want to learn an instrument so I had to get that one. I just read when I’m done with everything for that class. School is finally over. Thank the LORD. Home I go. “Hold on Fag. Take the hoodie off.” WHY THE FUCK BRANDON. I don’t want to get beat up today so I do what he says. “OH MY GOD! Look at those ARMS! They’re like dead tree branches were glued to a person. I bet your dick is that skinny too. OH WAIT! You don’t have one! Do ya Tranny?” I wish I could murder him sometimes. But that’s illegal. And also I don’t think I would have the heart. “Just as quiet as your parents. Only they have a reason. They’re six feet under. Dead and rotting in the dirt.” Nope. I’m done. Usually I can take more but there’s a crowd gathering now and I don’t want no way out. I start sprinting down the street. God let’s hope I don’t pass out. I have to stop about halfway to try and breathe again. Then I just walk the rest of the way. I try to sneak in but there is no possible way. The boys are waiting right on the couch. I can’t tell if they’re nervous or mad or excited or anything but it’s scary and now I want to leave. Oh the questions. “How was school?” I give a thumbs up. “You ok?” Same thing again. “Seriously Tyler. You look like you’re about to faint.” Oh I am. I’m just not gonna tell you that. With each questions I scoot myself towards the hall to my room while trying not to cry. As soon as I get a good angle I run. Straight for the door. And stay in the room. Time to waste away on YouTube again while silently crying. Why not right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so I have to thank the two people that actually respond to me anymore. I’m gonna call them Y and W. Anyway Y gave me the idea for the insult about how his arms are skinny and he doesn’t have a penis cause I can’t come up with insults I can just elaborate them and W gave me the idea for the insult about how his parents were dead and he was just as quiet as them   
> That was a fun conversation   
> Here’s the actual text I sent them   
> “Hey I need an insult for a mute depressed anorexic trans guy that has no friends and oh did I mention he's an orphan”  
> Why and how are we still friends  
> Ok bye now happy earth rotation


	5. Mikasa

So I guess I didn’t faint cause now it’s about six pm and I remember being up this long. Woo. And there’s a knock at my door. Wonder who it’s from? If you didn’t say that in the Blues Clues tone then we can’t be friends. It’s Dan. “Come on Tyler. You gotta eat.” No actually I don’t. But oh god the puppy dog eyes. No no no. He looks so sad. I don’t like Dan being sad. Maybe I should. Just for him. I’ll take care of it later. I finally let out a nose sigh and start getting up. This man can go from pleading to pleased in a matter of seconds. Oh god phrasing. Brain can you not. As I’m walking out for dinner? Dinner. Right? That’s the right time of day. Yeah. Walking out for dinner there’s pizza on the coffee table. Yay. Lord I don’t know when the last time I had pizza was. I think I liked pepperoni. I don’t remember. Guess I’ll have a slice of that then. Phil puts on Attack on Titan and they curl up while I sit on the very opposite side of the couch and slowly nibble on pizza. I guess at some point I started crying. Maybe it was because of how Dan and Phil welcomed me into their lives or how they joke around like it’s second nature and yes they actually do scream “Mikasa” everywhere. Or it could have also been the day. I’ve never ever wished for anyone to die. Ever. But Brandon sometimes need to get a flower pot dropped on his head then get kicked in the balls by a horse. Yeah that sounds right. Dan looked my way and I had to hide my face. I have tears of obvious sadness rolling down my face but for some reason a smile of joy underneath them. I’m insane. Yup. I think he found it suspicious though cause he started talking really quietly to Phil. I heard bits. Like “Crying……. Should…….. Help…….. Phil?” I knew exactly what he was saying. I got up and put my plate in the sink and the other half of the pizza in the trash. Mental note to do some dishes while neither of them are here. And maybe clean. This place is surprisingly dirty and clean at the exact same time. The crying made me really tired. I guess that’s kind of what it does though so. I’m gonna watch YouTube until I actually pass out. Wouldn’t be the first time. At about 10 pm I come across a YouTuber that I’ve never seen before. DeluxeQueer. Same honey. He’s obviously not new. He has over 500,000 subs. From what I can gather his name is Alex and he’s agender but still uses he/him pronouns. Don’t mind me just being a stalker.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is the point that I realize that I can’t actually write stories. I can get the beginning and the end but I have no clue how to get between them. This is also the point where I enlist the help of my best friends who is also the only person who responds to me anymore’s help. Yeah that made sense. So thank you again to Y who listened to an hours worth of songs so they could know what I wanted for the tone of the story and sitting with me and messaging back and forth until I finally got a god damned idea of what the fuck I was doing.


End file.
